A letter..

I went crazy last week, i mean actually crazy! not crazy enough to slit someones throat, but enough to actually think about doing it. Anyone whose seen the movie TAXI DRiVER will get an idea of my state now.. . And it is in such a state that i write this.:




Dear friend,

Hope u are fine and this letter reaches u in good health. U might be wondering who the hell this is and where this dropped from……in case you’re getting nervous, don’t worry… we’ve met….met sometime before when 15 of us used to visit there daily … - 14 with steths, notepad, torch, knee hammer, CNS kit, tape, glucose ,bible and phoney smiles and one wide eyed weirdo with almost straight hair looking like a nut less squirrel, without any accessories [including the smile].– that would be me !!
I’m writing this letter to inform you of the termination of your sickening life in this hellhole…..happy days are back again…u know y???? I’M COMING OVER….…..find me a bed on the right side from where u can see the coffin shop and the pg hostel …………..make sure I get to occupy the bed next to yours, and nowhere else…tell those dissenting I hacked 4 of my classmates on the process of becoming insane…..
I’m writing this letter to you because everyone here has had enough of me whining around, especially when I wrote something last time, so I thought maybe I’ll write to you…I thought u wont complain …. ‘cos ….’cos- No apparent reason. I just thought u wouldn’t complain….that’s how I thought you were…maybe you wouldn’t know but these days i think a lot about you…..dream about how your life might be, how similar our thoughts might be, how your kids might be, how they talk, play and all that…. Nobody cares for all my stupid thoughts I know… …not even you, I’m sure….but still I thought I should let you know how much I do think ,especially so in these last days when our batch souvenir is about to be published…..[:p] …..leave all the pointless dramatic beginning I’m trying to create to impress you[believe me…………you’re really worth it!!!], ill tell you about my college….and why I’m coming over!!
I’ve had enough ……..I thought I could stay low and pass out unassumingly but those hopes remain distant now that there’s about 4 more years to go…don’t think I can make it alive or sane till the very end………and after that??? I tried searching around for a word that conveys “not sure about anything in life [unsure about everything in life] ”…u get the idea now anyways ..no use searching…..
But I’ve started to pass sessionals!!!! for the first time since I came here…do not think I’ve gone crazy over the shock of it ….its not that……all this time nobody used to give a shit about your studies…..but now that you’ve passed, immoral accusations [that I cant even imagine] come from all sides……..listening in class, hard work and intelligence can drive people jealous…..’Course u should know…..
The girls out here…..are so depressing, disheartening, demoralizing, and dismaying to watch….one whole year spent in college finally taught u to ‘acclimatize’ to the fact that they suck and just when u start to recognize a tinge of beauty[glimmer of hope] if any within them, a vacation sets in…and when u return to class and see them filling in one by one…… the truth again lashes at u with a toothed whip, toothed with their attitude….[but I’ve learnt these days u do get acclimatized easily {written so just in case this letter falls in the wrong hands}]
We started a band, and had been jamming for long till when our name got stolen by one of the best college bands in the state…..now to keep us reminded of the dilapidated state that we are in [own just a drum set poor Surej bought the day after Sivamani talked to him in a wet dream he had]…..now we’re pretty well ‘acclimatized to our dilapidated state’ and have even decided to rename our band as A2D [acclimatized to dilapidation]…… do tell me if u like the name. or should we name it ATP??? [Adenosine triphosphate –something that keeps us alive {that’s all even I know}]
Every time anyone from your school gets placed..* * * * er makes it a point that the first thing he does is call you and inform u of the no of zeros in his fathers salary [correction-his salary]……..like I care. U can find him usually hanging up the phone with the following dialogue ”nee first yr passayade???”
U wont lose those chess matches with superman again……….and we’ll teach that smug creature…UCA [universal controller of administration] a lesson…has he been troubling u with all those tales about why Sania mirza is his daughter??? don’t u worry…I’m coming over….ill teach him why….
We’ll strike and get a life…….We’ll strike for air conditioning, good looking nurses, western closets in the bathrooms and weekly interaction trips to female wards, and when those white coats come with their phoney smiles and notepads..…..don’t u worry ill drive them away with brooms………maybe they’ll take me to electrocute like in those movies but I don’t think I would mind that at all ……looking forward to it!!!
We’ll play strip poker and all those naughty games and have fun……..and make so much noise that they’ll take us to the asylum in peroorkada…….u haven’t been there????? I went there once with a steth around my neck….. It’s the best mann [though I missed a lot of it owing to dim-witted doubts of a lunatic among our midst]…..its heaven save for a crazy ###### behind bars who occasionally gives u a glimpse of his genitals ….I almost vomited……don’t worry we’ll take necessary action[censored]. The rest of them are really cool……one of them even asked me to smuggle him out…..wonder y he wants to????
We’ll hide those pills [lesser minded jealous ppl give us to reduce our thinking capabilities] underneath our tongue and spit them off later…or shove it all up their ass……….we’ll teach all those megalomaniacs [superman and UCA] a lesson…….we’ll dedelude them…..ill pretend to learn the game from superman and then defeat him…….. That’ll drive him REALLY crazy!!!! Don’t u worry….
Don’t worry if u are suspicious of your wife……I was too when I had a gfriend back when I was 6…….ill tell u what!!! divorce her…..its the only way u can be free…….i wont say you’ll not miss her…..I tend to think about her some times when i see sick ‘best friends’ walking around or when u stay alone at home with nothing else to do ….but that doesn’t mean you’re in love… trust me……..in the end you’ll thank me for it!!! I promise u……
Speaking about best friends…..they’re everywhere!!!! Walking around campus, hospitals, library, jungles etc……its all so sick to watch…...we’ll discuss about the Freudian aspects of it all later when I come there…….too broadminded [for us] to pen down!!!!
I’ll try to come over with my friends too but they say I’m the only one who’s crazy….They say I’m crazy cos I laugh a lot and cos the sight of plastic glove clad waiters at Gauri Nivas makes me go there again ….wonder what it is for u????
Do u also dream within dreams??….. and wake up and wonder which dream u actually woke up from??? Do bad hair days stress u up????….cant get a tune out of your head???? …. Love clean food and wash your hands often???....love to be alone once in a while???? ………does all this make us insane?????…but don’t worry, we wont suffer…we’ll enjoy every minute of our insanity….. I do believe it takes a lot of creativity and intelligence to be the people that we are………we’re geniuses mann….…we’ll have our own units to scale our self.......
And by the way if this is that part in a letter where u really get, up close with the person addressed to, I'll tell u a secret! Have u ever had thoughts that u might be biggest sex maniac in the world or something....i guess everyone has that. I had them too till i opened my forensic text book, we're nowhere close man, there are real 'crazy' people out there doing things - even we'll need time to think off. I'll send the text over with a strip of domperidone. Whatever u do u cant unsee certain things that'll make a lasting impression. So do handle the book with care.
So coming back to our strategy ....When the doctor comes for rounds , we’ll look busy and speak big philosophy among ourselves just so at a volume that he might overhear them…..we’ll make him strain every time to overhear us …. we’ll give him a bit of philosophy everyday…..the second time we’ll speak softly and make him strain even more and so on…. so that ….some day he’ll go crazy turning over all that accumulated philosophy in his mind…or someday he’ll go crazy when we’ll sadistically deprive him of his daily dose of imperative philosophy [either of the 2]…..and then the three of us would discuss together……and play strip poker together too……and maybe someday we’ll start our own religion……people might worship our idols…[Oo I’m getting Goosebumps just thinking bout it]
Do u really remember me??? If u don’t I don’t blame u….u might have seen me behind all those white coated case takers…staring noticeably openmouthed at you over their shoulders…….I’m sorry I never came forward and talked……truth is I was afraid and I thought u hated us all….[I wouldn’t like those phoneys if I were u]…but I guess u were too scared to drive them off……don’t u worry….. I’m coming over…..remember the time when you said u were not mad and your relatives tricked u to this hellhole……u did’nt expect anyone to believe you right??? ..but I did, I really did…..
By the way, I forgot to tell u about autopsy……its one of the oldest secrets of med school…it’s a means by which lesser hardened students will voluntarily resign from med school, without making any big fuss about it…….ever smelt a meat factory??? The smells better here……I closed my mouth and swallowed my vomit 6 times when the doctors bent down and sniffed the poison and decayed stomach, like dopers on coke.…..that’s gross even for me………but the best part is the sound when the rippers [attendants] separate the vault from the rest of the skull……there are two of them out there, one male and female……people I’m sure in love with each others sadisms [like kinky horror films]….u should see them hammering at the skulls of neighboring bodies in unison taking pauses to grin at each other perhaps to say. “I broke it first this time”…………the sounds are the best part especially when they separate the meninges from the skull…funny I felt like hearing coconut husk being removed….and did you know post mortised bodies have their brains, intestines, kidneys, liver everything sliced and tucked up within their chest???? I dint know that… First time I saw it I thought they made a mistake……, .but I can never describe autopsy…u should see it for yourself…..will give us lots of philosophy to discuss about……..maybe I could smuggle u in some day…..we’ll see about that…
I guess this should be enough…..I feel relaxed already…….Though this letter is meant especially for the patient in bed no 9 ,ward 23 psychiatry unit, I’ve got a strange and equally sad feeling you’re not there…..and you’re some place else ….’cured’ and well and playing with your kids…do they ask about their divorced mom??? Do remarry and do it soon ……
Expecting your reply in a little while….and if you’re not there….I expect someone out there to reply to me [except if you are ‘grandeured’…..if u are and u happen to read this letter…..don’t u dare touch my letter, give it to someone else…..i hate u , hope you rot and then burn in hell] and if you’re not ‘grandeured’ ……don’t worry……just try not to think too much – lifes not worth that much[that’s the key]. …. happy days are back again. …...I’M COMING OVER!!!!!!


- Saran Soman

A Hypocrite's Oath

[exclusively for the reading pleasure of medicos]

Someday in January....(or was it February?), patients of medical college hospital found it difficult to find their way through 1st and 2nd floors due to a group of about 200 hooligans who appeared to be everywhere.... running around asking aloud "where's ward 3, 4 7 8 9 and so on???", and the funny thing was, all of them were wearing sparkling white coats............and had brand new Littman steths around their necks.....it were just those faces that gave them away........
And among them, there was wide-eyed poor little u, still wondering how u ever got here; after an hour of sightseeing, u reach a room where the chief greets; “welcome to 3rd year”; and u venture to say “sir, its second year..”........ when a friend stamps u in the foot and u drop short, this guy even knows the date he'll get mbbs degree in 2009 and the only thing 1st yr has taught u- when he stamps your foot, u better keep mum... So u stop and think deeply, “whatever happened to 2nd yr?”; “did u study so well so that u could skip one year???”. As u meditate on the meagre possibility of the above thought, your unitmates take down the timetable and so your surgery posting officially begins..........
U rush eagerly to the wards --- smiling patients, not so smiling patients, patients who just didn’t care, naked patients, stinking patients, there was an ex army who wouldn’t let go of his conviction that the oedema in his leg was untreatable “no drug in medical history can ever relieve me of this” he said, his eyes stressing on each syllable so much that even u doubt its true..........he told us to go **** ourselves...................(now its April and I hear he’s still there)………..then there was this retd mech eng from ONGC who had none but a servant with him he managed to pay with his pension.....he also told us to do the same...................patients fighting for beds come to u and insist on u solving their fight - u manage a stupid smile and reassure them everything will be all right….. u become paranoid and fear everyone- patients, pgs, sirs, and even the nurses till when one patient comes stealthily to u and report- one of the nurses were not doing their duty properly and goes back with a fully contended smile thinking he had just informed the supreme authority and saved the nation..........
U come late to 9:30 class and while running up the disinfectant smelling stairs, u happen to see a grey haired woman, she stands out because she’s the only one not moving, she’s just staying on the one step she happened to be while she thought of something; but for the tears flowing in progression from her wrinkled face, she was perfectly still. There was no wailing nor whining, just those tears..... Anyone would have thought her dead; had anyone time to notice....... u pause briefly and ponder on the cause of her misery: some ill relative? No money? No medicines? No energy to climb the next step? u reflect upon some oath u took some months before and think about something to do: give some money? Help her up the stairs? but something reminds you of the blessed class that u were late for (u dint want your sir to know u had bunked morning wards) and the fabulous treasures sleeping in the A.C would bring- attendance, and the egotistic dog u are- u trot on as u had come. In class ,u can’t concentrate (as if) and u keep chanting “I came, I saw, I went to class”. And after class u go back - u don’t expect her to be on the stairs still and naturally she’s not there.......

U're thinking of this lady still, she doesn’t seem to leave u alone while u're going out for lunch when this bald old man comes and asks u for Rs 20; u feel your heart will burst like a balloon with emotion as u happily hand it over, expecting some words that could ease your pain, he snatches the money and storms off and u look around like some beggar beaten up by someone he stole money from.......
U're confused................... and rush to casualty, which reminds u of a Spielberg war movie u saw some days before......there’s blood, blood everywhere, pulsatile fountains around you arising from whichever parts of the body that have names; Amidst the groans u rather prefer to rub sterilised cotton dipped in H2O2 , not on the wounds but on the big stains of blood and betadine on your only expensive white pants. your friends smile in between suturing sessions at you rubbing, but u recognise cynicism and u prefer to find pride in the fact that u are the only one left in your unit not having put a suture yet......... its as if all hells at casualty: from a 100yr old scratched by a cat to some Andhra guy who felt like cutting all his veins and going for a swim at kovalam..(You should have seen the confused face of the lifeguard who brought him...... I’m sure he quit the next day)
And then there was this guy reeking of alcohol, who was so covered with blood, i thought he would die, but he was smiling!!!! doctors had a hard time finding how many wounds were there actually... and he needed no anaesthesia at all : u as usual were there to pour betadine; and then u notice him watching u closely, every movement u make : u feel your nerves tensing, more so when he whispers, "I know what u're thinking now.......", u wonder whether this guy is god........till when he bellows out," U’re thinking thet im a drunk....a worthless good fonothin drunk" and then he starts sobbing loudly like a child, that u need to rock him to his original self----- casualty's fun!!! no wonder nobody bunks..........
Back at wards, one of your unit mates decides he has had enough of fooling around with asking history and believes he should get on with being the real doctor, and has the unfortunate experience of examining pallor........ at the same instant the nurse was pushing the syringe into the dorsum of the patients hand ;the patient quivering with pain frightened the hell out of my friend(he didn’t see the nurse), who thought he had pulled the patients eyeball out.....that was the end of the doctor in him, u never see him touch any other patient after that........
And without doubt the best part are the frequent walks through those corridors thronging with people who stare at u , at the cream of the society ramp walking past them , with steths around their neck; while walking, any attempt to recollect 'anything' about heart sounds makes u falter.......
Occasionally the tempo of this walk is disturbed by patients who ask u the way to some lab , or give you a chit and ask u where to go and the sly fox that u are, u look flabbergasted[what a simple qn to ask???] , point hurriedly somewhere exactly midway between 2 corridors and continue your walk, this time chatting over the fone loudly about some cardiac transplant that u just did......
And then there's the green operation theatre where u've fallen in love with a brave 10 yr old with some cyst in her tongue... never seen her again after the operation, that’s it --people walk in and out of your stupid life and u cant remember one face for an hour or more......... then the circumcision operation u'll never forget...... halfway through the operation u're awoken from the trance of watching it by doctors chatting, “I’ve heard chicken fry at azad's better than mutton masala at noor mahal" ; u're shocked but find solace in thinking "what the hell, anyway the patients unconscious..", and u move your eyes to make out something of the patients face, and u see what terror actually is......u see 2 full moons of terror underneath the thin cotton loosely placed over the mans eyes.... those eyes -- that's something u'll never forget for a long time.... imagine being able to watch your own foreskin cut away by doctors discussing chicken over your locally anaesthetised penis.......
And one day at casualty, your friends from school rush in with a girl unconscious (all in college uniform),u ask them to calm down, manage to say u have everything in control and wheel her to pgs , who stitch her in the scalp, u [the betadine specialist] as usual pour betadine and cut the excess stitch threads; but u see one of your friends watching (his gf??)through the space between those green curtains and u tend to pour laboriously as if her life depended on it..... Ever given some thought about how asking doubts can look like giving directions to pgs???? (from a distance).. After the stitching and follow up, your school friend thanks u ,wonders how fast u've learned medicine, and says, "I always knew u were a very gifted person"; And hearing all this gratitude(for pouring betadine), the nerve cells inside u arrange themselves to give u a feeling of absolute harmony (is this nirvana?) u realise what’s like being the real doctor; why some years before the 200 of us had spent sleepless nights preparing hard for ending up here..........the parents of the girl come soon after the stitching , my friend does the introduction , and they come to you with a flurry of qns asked between tears : "Is the wound deep or superficial?", u say its between deep and superficial; "Is there need to take a scan?" u say senior doctors are discussing the possibility; "What medicines to take?", u say paracetamol; finally when u feel they can see through u, u noiselessly slip away before they report u as a quack......
Girls fainting over hydroceles, laughing over our own ignorant stupid mistakes, that’s all the fun we've ever had since reopening, maybe that’s all we are destined to have......... u try to find fun in everything happening, and the wide circle of unitfriends who laugh at them grows smaller each day as one by one they decide to turn to serious doctors..........
The old woman, the cries, the pain , the agony, fear, misery, death, the simplicity of it……. everything takes formations around your head (like u see in those cartoons,when u get hit by a brick) even when you're miles away from the hospital, even when sleeping in college classes, they haunt you with some guilt u can't identify with...........like u were responsible ..............u do feel all this is happening too soon for even a mature 21 year old.......but the only person who seems to have any problem is u ,maybe they really should have a 2nd yr (whatever happened to it?) full of orientation classes or something.......and all the time, this particular last qn , which an exasperated biochem prof asks u before throwing u out(at university viva) keeps coming back to life to haunt u…… “How competent a doctor are u?”. .
Yesterday at casualty, when u're left in one of those many instances when u know u’re thinking of something , but cant make out what it is while u’re thinking of it, or what it was once u've broken away from it(u obviously have no idea of what I’m talking about, don’t worry, it just means you’re blessed with more sanity than I am), this good unitfriend of yours comes to u and asks u the exact qn u were thinking about- "eda" a big pause, "the both of us..............will we ever be doctors.......?", with utmost sincerity and absolutely no humour in it......... u hug him for a whole 30 sec’s.........and don’t reply.(he didn’t need one)............................Medical College Trivandrum, u've heard has the history of delivering a group of exemplary doctors every year. As long as u don’t go insane u guess u'll be one of them.....

Confessions of an incompetent Sophomore
By Saran Soman
2004 mbbs
Medical College Trivandrum